(I began this entry in November 2009, and never published it until now. Just writing it was therapeutic. Much has changed since this was written. It's still an incomplete entry, but for me an interesting snapshot from that difficult time.)
This year has been one of the best and worst years of my life. Best, without a doubt, because I still have my Lauren girl. God in His infinite mercy spared her life. That outshines any of the bad. The hours, days, weeks of pain and uncertainty were so worth it to have her here. Instead of mourning her loss, I can celebrate the gift of her life.
Then, what at the time was the worst a couple of months ago, Lauren made the decision to stay with my parents while she is healing. This decision sent me reeling, dashed my tentative hopes at further reconciliation. For reasons I will never understand, my parents have chosen to view me in an unfavorable light, and speak the most horrible things of me to anyone who will listen. I am the oldest of three children. One brother is a prescription drug addict and robs my parents blind, and the other committed suicide in 1996. I thought, that they might appreciate me a bit more, being the only one with a semi-clear head on my shoulders. Boy was I wrong. My parents, or should I say my mom have always been critical of my choices in life, my weight, my parenting skills, you name it. My mom talks trash about me, but is nice to my face. My father, who I love and adore, nitpicks and complains about me to my face. At least he is consistent.
This is nothing new, I guess I have just learned to live with it all these years. I have always been passive, taking what others dish out, rarely standing up for myself. I had never stood up to my parents until this past year. One of my biggest regrets in life is not standing up when Lauren was younger. I allowed my parents to overrule my authority as Lauren's mother. As a result, when she was a teenager, making bad choices, I was not her final authority. She could run to them, and they would support her, in more ways than one. When she was caught with drugs at school, my husband and I went through the legal pains, faced the judge. We grounded her and tried to get her help. They bought her a new car. They tell everyone that they singlehandedly raised her. That is a lie. If they did anything, they singlehandedly sabotaged her upbringing. And I passively stood by and let it happen. I felt it would be disrespectful as their daughter, and part of me believed their lies. As the years have passed, my parents have grown more bitter and cold toward me.
I found myself in a deep, dark pit when Lauren announced that she would be living in my parents' house while she is in limbo. I was angry at Lauren, angry at my parents, and angry with God. I was REALLY angry with God. I thought that Lauren's accident and recovery was God's way of redeeming this whole situation. By now Lauren is a single mom of two young girls, and has made mistakes and bad decisions of her own. As her mom, I have prayed for her, loved her as imperfectly as I can, and hoped for the best.
When she chose to live with them rather than me, I felt that rejection all over again. I wanted to give up. The fight was knocked out of me. Because of the severity of Lauren's injuries, I was advised to seek legal guardianship over Lauren's estate. This was to protect Lauren. I found that I was ridiculed by my mother for trying to do the right thing! I also had to stand up for Lauren while she was in a coma and deny my brother and his family visitation. I had very good reasons for not allowing them to be near Lauren. She was burned on over 40% of her body and had open wounds. Those of us who were allowed in the room had to follow strict guidelines that included wearing gloves, gowns, and sometimes masks. Her hospital room was no place for someone that has a parasitic infestation. Enough said.
Instead of understanding, I received more criticism. My mother was furious, and accused me of being controlling and manipulative, and tried to get me to back down. Not this time. I couldn't believe that she would place my brother's feelings ahead of Lauren's welfare.
Anyway, back to the pit. I visualized my parents standing over that pit, dancing around like a boxer that has scored a knockout over his opponent. I had fallen, and didn't know how to get up OR out.
No comments:
Post a Comment