Thursday, February 3, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

Not an orginal title, but better than my first choice:  The Prince With A Toad's Heart.

I worked as a church secretary for a few years after my divorce.  The pay was minimal, but my daughters attended the daycare free of charge.  I was a brand-new Christian, healing from the wounds of my divorce.  A friend aptly described it as God ripping out the faulty foundation and laying a new, solid foundation.  I was trying to figure out who I was, where I belonged, and what He wanted me to do with my life.  I was also going through a country music phase, and my favorite artist was Garth Brooks.

It was in the day care that I met "Lou". He was a single father whose youngest daughter was enrolled in the after school program of the day care.  He was so handsome, charming, successful, established, dressed well, and smelled wonderful.  His daughter was the same age and in the same grade as one of my daughters, and they quickly became friends.  The girls spent much of their free time together, which meant that Lou and I interacted often.  We developed a friendship separate from the girls.  I was strongly attracted to Lou, but put off by his series of short-term romances. He occasionally sought my opinion when a relationship began, and sometimes wanted consolation when a relationship ended. There was always a strong physical attraction, but I mistakenly thought I was immune to his charms.  

A few years passed.  My life was in upheaval after a series of unfortunate events.  I was more vulnerable than I wanted to admit.  Lou had just been dumped after another whirlwind courtship and engagement.  He became a frequent visitor to my office and called me often at home.  He was always flirtatious, but it seemed as if he was focusing all his attentions on me.  I was flattered, and I fell for it.  He was amazingly attentive, said all the right things.  While shopping at a store, I commented on a coffee mug I liked.  The next day he delivered the coffee mug to me, beautifully packaged.  He knew that I liked Garth Brooks.  For Valentine's Day, he presented me with two tickets to see Garth Brooks in concert. He told me he was falling for me, and wanted to take our friendship to the next level.  His affection and attention were intoxicating, and I deluded myself with thinking that he really cared about me.  I was sure that our romance would be different.  I ignored all the inner (and outer) warnings.  My close friends were concerned, and tried to warn me that I was headed for a heartbreak.

The night of the concert was another magical evening with Lou.  The concert was in a neighboring state and ended late.  Instead of driving home, he suggested we stay at a hotel and drive home in the morning.  Despite the alarms going off in my head, I agreed.  That's all I will say about that.

The next morning we left the hotel and began the two hour drive home.  I sensed a shift in his personality, a coldness.  He quickly began to distance himself emotionally from me, and I saw a most unpleasant side of his personality that I had never seen before.  It was as if he was finally free to be who he really was, and it was quite ugly. It was as if my prince was showing me he really had a toad's heart.  I was shocked, but more than that, I was ashamed of myself.  I had dramatically lowered my standards and allowed myself to believe the lies.  I knew better!  I had seen this dude in action!  I felt as if I had no one but myself to blame.  He dropped me off at my apartment, and I did not hear from him again for weeks.

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

When he did call, he asked me to meet him for dinner.  His charming facade was back, but I was no longer under his spell.  He told me he really cared for me, but he was still in pain over the loss of his prior relationship, and therefore not ready to begin a new one with me.  I had already determined that I would never open my heart to this creep again.  I played along, and told him I completely understood.  I was seething with anger, but I never let it show.  I could tell he was confused by my response, and even tried to act as if he was conflicted over his decision.  He made several attempts at physical affection, but I was not having it.  I told him that would not be fair to either one of us.  It was as if the blinders were off, and I could see him clearly.  I think he wanted me to react differently, and didn't know how to handle it when I didn't.  I had allowed myself to care, to love, and I was now heartbroken.  I was also ashamed and embarrassed that I had so freely lowered my standards and abandoned my beliefs for this guy.  It took time to heal from those wounds.   Our daughters were still friends, so there were sleepovers, concerts, etc.  But after we moved away, the girls lost touch, and so did we.

Now to the reason I am posting this:

I saw him two days ago at the grocery store.  I was shocked to see how dramatically he had changed.  He is not the same attractive, handsome, charming guy.  He has a grizzled appearance.  There are bags and dark circles under his eyes, and he has a haunted, hollow look in his eyes.  I don't know if I would have recognized him.  It wasn't until he spoke that I realized who he was.  I said hello, and kept walking.  The past fourteen years have not been kind to him.  What happened?  It's as if his outer self has caught up with what was already inside.  The transformation from prince to toad is now complete.

I have thought of this encounter often over the past couple of days.  I still love Garth Brooks' music, and the song "Unanswered Prayers" is appropriate for this situation.  At the time, I thought that Lou was the perfect guy, ideal for me.  Wow.  Thank You, Lord.  You always know what You are doing.

The title "Unanswered Prayers" is not entirely correct.  God always answers prayers.  Sometimes He says no.  I love it when God shows me why He answers "NO".   Thanks again for Your perfect will, and for giving me the gift of perspective.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Perspective

(I began this entry in November 2009, and never published it until now.  Just writing it was therapeutic.  Much has changed since this was written.  It's still an incomplete entry, but for me an interesting snapshot from that difficult time.)

This is not a review of a book titled perspective.  This is about perspective itself.  I am going to write what is in my heart and not worry about what grammatical errors I am making. 

This year has been one of the best and worst years of my life.  Best, without a doubt, because I still have my Lauren girl.  God in His infinite mercy spared her life.  That outshines any of the bad.  The hours, days, weeks of pain and uncertainty were so worth it to have her here.  Instead of mourning her loss, I can celebrate the gift of her life. 

Then, what at the time was the worst a couple of months ago, Lauren made the decision to stay with my parents while she is healing.  This decision sent me reeling, dashed my tentative hopes at further reconciliation.   For reasons I will never understand, my parents have chosen to view me in an unfavorable light, and speak the most horrible things of me to anyone who will listen.  I am the oldest of three children.  One brother is a prescription drug addict and robs my parents blind, and the other committed suicide in 1996.  I thought, that they might appreciate me a bit more, being the only one with a semi-clear head on my shoulders.  Boy was I wrong.  My parents, or should I say my mom have always been critical of my choices in life, my weight, my parenting skills, you name it.  My mom talks trash about me, but is nice to my face.  My father, who I love and adore, nitpicks and complains about me to my face.  At least he is consistent.

This is nothing new, I guess I have just learned to live with it all these years.  I have always been passive, taking what others dish out, rarely standing up for myself.  I had never stood up to my parents until this past year.  One of my biggest regrets in life is not standing up when Lauren was younger.  I allowed my parents to overrule my authority as Lauren's mother.  As a result, when she was a teenager, making bad choices, I was not her final authority.  She could run to them, and they would support her, in more ways than one.  When she was caught with drugs at school, my husband and I went through the legal pains, faced the judge.  We grounded her and tried to get her help.  They bought her a new car.  They tell everyone that they singlehandedly raised her.  That is a lie.  If they did anything, they singlehandedly sabotaged her upbringing.  And I passively stood by and let it happen.  I felt it would be disrespectful as their daughter, and part of me believed their lies.  As the years have passed, my parents have grown more bitter and cold toward me.

I found myself in a deep, dark pit when Lauren announced that she would be living in my parents' house while she is in limbo.  I was angry at Lauren, angry at my parents, and angry with God.  I was REALLY angry with God.  I thought that Lauren's accident and recovery was God's way of redeeming this whole situation.  By now Lauren is a single mom of two young girls, and has made mistakes and bad decisions of her own.  As her mom, I have prayed for her, loved her as imperfectly as I can, and hoped for the best.

When she chose to live with them rather than me, I felt that rejection all over again.  I wanted to give up.  The fight was knocked out of me.  Because of the severity of Lauren's injuries, I was advised to seek legal guardianship over Lauren's estate.  This was to protect Lauren.  I found that I was ridiculed by my mother for trying to do the right thing!  I also had to stand up for Lauren while she was in a coma and deny my brother and his family visitation.  I had very good reasons for not allowing them to be near Lauren.  She was burned on over 40% of her body and had open wounds.  Those of us who were allowed in the room had to follow strict guidelines that included wearing gloves, gowns, and sometimes masks.  Her hospital room was no place for someone that has a parasitic infestation.  Enough said. 

Instead of understanding, I received more criticism.  My mother was furious, and accused me of being controlling and manipulative, and tried to get me to back down.  Not this time.  I couldn't believe that she would place my brother's feelings ahead of Lauren's welfare. 

Anyway, back to the pit.  I visualized my parents standing over that pit, dancing around like a boxer that has scored a knockout over his opponent.  I had fallen, and didn't know how to get up OR out.

Offworld by Robin Parrish


Offworld
written by Robin Parrish
Published by Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group
ISBN:  978-0-7642-0606-1

This will be the least professional of all my reviews.  I borrowed this book from the library.  I was skeptical at first, as I am not a science fiction fan.  BUT, I found that I could not put this book down until I had read the last page.

I found the beginning of this review in my unpublished drafts. I have slept many nights and read many other books since finishing Offworld.  All I can tell you now is that I thoroughly enjoyed this book, that it was in my top ten of 2010.  The book follows a group of astronauts returning from a space mission to earth, only to find that home is not the same.  Where is everybody?  What happened?  Their new mission:  survival while searching for the answers.  

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It really is the most wonderful time of the year!

I first want to apologize for the lack of activity on this blog.  I have read many books this year, so I am without an excuse!  I am making a promise (to myself) to blog more often.

I absolutely love the months of September, October, November and December.  I love the rich, beautiful fall colors, the changing leaves, fall decorations, and most of all....THANKSGIVING!  Thanksgiving is by far my FAVORITE holiday.  I love and appreciate what Christmas stands for, but I am so put off by all the commercialism.  I still love all the holiday foods, drinks, and most of all, Jesus.  He is the reason we celebrate Christmas!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Long Way Home, The Homelanders Book Two by Andrew Klavan



The Long Way Home
 The Homelanders Book Two
Written by Andrew Klavan
Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers
 ISBN:  978-1-59554-713-2

I am a proud reviewer for the newly titled BookSneeze.com.  Thomas Nelson Publishers has graciously provided me with a complimentary copy of this book to review.

Book Two begins where Book One (The Last Thing I Remember) ends.  Charlie West is a typical eighteen year old who loves God, his friends, his family,  karate, and is interested in a girl named Beth.  He has awakened to discover that not only has he lost an entire year of his life, he is a convicted killer (of his best friend), a prison escapee, and has escaped terrorists who want him dead.  In Book One, Charlie grapples with who he is and what has he done, or not done.  Book Two helps the reader with more pieces of the puzzle.  Both Charlie and the reader get answers, and more questions.

It begins with a struggle with a vicious assassin in a public library, and a subsequent escape from a group of thugs.  Charlie then escapes an exciting police chase and forms a plan to return to his hometown for answers.  He forms a plan to hide out in an abandoned house thought to be haunted.  It is here where his friends come to his aid.  They want to help him learn the truth, who really killed his friend Alex.  I enjoyed the dialogue between Charlie, Josh, Rick, Miler, and Beth.  They supply him with what he needs to survive as well as gift him with their loyalty and support.  Charlie also discovers that he and Beth were involved romantically and have a strong romantic connection.  Little by little, pieces of the puzzle are revealed in this book.  His friends help him to fill in the blanks in his memory.  They also do a little investigating for him and try to keep him safe.  I enjoyed the chapter with Josh's investigation, but I won't reveal anything more! :)

In his quest for the truth, Charlie encounters his mentor and karate instructor, Sensei Mike.  He had learned that Alex was supposed to have met up with Mike the evening he was murdered.  He wanted answers, and wasn't sure if he could trust his sensei.  After an action-packed scene, he has his answer, and much more.

By the end of the book Charlie has still not regained his memory, but he has a stronger sense of who he is and who his true friends are.  He also has more pieces of the puzzle.  But, like the ending of Book One, Book Two ends with a struggle, and Charlie once more on the run.  I look forward to reading Book Three, The Truth of the Matter, due for release in November 2010.

I bought the first book, The Last Thing I Remember, not realizing that it was categorized under Juvenile Fiction.  My teenage daughter surprised me by reading it in one afternoon.  She is not usually a reader, much less a fast reader.  She cannot wait to read Book Two.  Okay, Paige, your wait is over.









Friday, January 8, 2010

Who Do I Talk To? by Neta Jackson



who do i talk to?  a Yada Yada House of Hope Novel
Book 2
written by Neta Jackson
published by Thomas Nelson Publishers
ISBN:  978-1-59544-524-4


Pure pleasure.  I read this book for ME!  I borrowed the book from the library.  I have read all the YadaYada books, and just love the characters.  They feel like old friends.  I was not going to review this, but since I am still thinking about the book several days after I finished reading it, how could I not review it?

The book begins where the first books ends. (of course)  Gabby Fairbanks returns to the Chicago penthouse she shares with a husband, two sons, her elderly mother, and her mother's dog to find the locks have changed, and her belongings are packed and waiting for her in the lobby.  Her husband, Phillip, has cruely kicked her out, cancelled all her credit cards, and taken her sons out of state.  Gabby, her mother, and  Dandy the dog become residents of Manna House, the womans' homeless shelter where Gabby is employed. 

I don't want to go through all the events and adventures in the book, as I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone.  If you loved the Yada Yada series, you will LOVE this book!  So wonderful to get to know Gabby and watch her grow and mature.  It seems a no-brainer that when troubles come, who else do we talk to, but the Lord?  But I appreciate how Neta carefully and gently drew Gabby toward God as the one to turn to when there seems to be no one else.  It was delightful to watch her relationships with others, both believers and non-believers, develop.  I laughed and cried with Gabby through this novel.  It was also great to catch up with some of the Yada Yada characters, and get to know the new characters. I can't wait to read the next novel in the series, Who Do I Lean On?!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Finding Purpose Beyond our Pain by Paul Meier, MD and David Henderson, MD



Finding Purpose Beyond Our Pain -
Uncover the hidden potential in life's most common struggles
Written by Paul Meier, MD and David L. Henderson, MD
Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers
ISBN:  978-0-7852-2922-3



In compliance with new FTC regulations, I am disclosing that I received a complimentary copy of this book from Thomas Nelson Publishers. I am a proud and grateful member of the Thomas Nelson Book Review Bloggers.

When I requested to review this book from the Thomas Nelson Book Review Bloggers website, I thought this would be an easy review.  I thought of myself as mostly recovered from the pain my life experiences had caused.  My oldest daughter was in a rehabilitation hospital after almost losing her life in a motorcycle accident that claimed the life of her boyfriend.  She lost her left leg and was burned over forty percent of her body.  But hey, she survived.  No problem, I can review this book!

I then went through yet another series of events that effectively knocked me in the pit.  I could not see my way out, period.  I did not understand why I was going through these things after I had already been through so much!  I was angry with God.  Why?  Yet in all of this, I begged God to give me perspective.  In fact, I believe that short prayer is on this blogsite. 

I then received this book in the mail. 

I didn't see it at first, but in going through the book, reading a few chapters here and there, I began to see God working through my pain and grief.  I read through the practical application points at the end of the sections that I felt related to my experiences.  I then took time to journal the my answers to the questions also located at the end of the section, building a foundation of the truth found in God's Word concerning my situation. 

I was gaining perspective.  My emotional wounds were beginning to heal.  I rejoiced in the smallest of victories and realized that God is indeed our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.  I know, that is in the Psalms.  Right now I just cannot remember the exact chapter and verse!

I don't normally conduct my book reviews this way.  I also USUALLY stick to my passion:  Christian Fiction.  Anything else is...well....work.  (HA)

At this point I will attempt to be a bit more professional.  Drs Meier and Henderson divided the book into seven sections.  Each section expounds on one of the seven most common life challenges as identified by Drs Meier and Henderson.  They are:
1) Injustice
2) Rejection
3) Loneliness
4) Loss
5) Discipline
6) Failure
7) Death

As I said before, at the end of each section there are a few pages that contain practical application points to consider, as well as questions to apply what you have just learned to your own situation.

I also enjoyed the stories in each chapter.  While the doctors point the reader back to God's truth, they are never preachy or condescending.

I believe this book should be on the shelves of every pastor and Christian counselor.  I was not expecting this book to have such an impact on my own life. 

I apologize again for the lack of professionalism.  While I deliberately left out the details of my situation (other than my daughter) I wanted to explain the personal impact this book had on my situation.