Unanswered Prayers

Not an orginal title, but better than my first choice:  The Prince With A Toad's Heart.

I worked as a church secretary for a few years after my divorce.  The pay was minimal, but my daughters attended the daycare free of charge.  I was a brand-new Christian, healing from the wounds of my divorce.  A friend aptly described it as God ripping out the faulty foundation and laying a new, solid foundation.  I was trying to figure out who I was, where I belonged, and what He wanted me to do with my life.  I was also going through a country music phase, and my favorite artist was Garth Brooks.

It was in the day care that I met "Lou". He was a single father whose youngest daughter was enrolled in the after school program of the day care.  He was so handsome, charming, successful, established, dressed well, and smelled wonderful.  His daughter was the same age and in the same grade as one of my daughters, and they quickly became friends.  The girls spent much of their free time together, which meant that Lou and I interacted often.  We developed a friendship separate from the girls.  I was strongly attracted to Lou, but put off by his series of short-term romances. He occasionally sought my opinion when a relationship began, and sometimes wanted consolation when a relationship ended. There was always a strong physical attraction, but I mistakenly thought I was immune to his charms.  

A few years passed.  My life was in upheaval after a series of unfortunate events.  I was more vulnerable than I wanted to admit.  Lou had just been dumped after another whirlwind courtship and engagement.  He became a frequent visitor to my office and called me often at home.  He was always flirtatious, but it seemed as if he was focusing all his attentions on me.  I was flattered, and I fell for it.  He was amazingly attentive, said all the right things.  While shopping at a store, I commented on a coffee mug I liked.  The next day he delivered the coffee mug to me, beautifully packaged.  He knew that I liked Garth Brooks.  For Valentine's Day, he presented me with two tickets to see Garth Brooks in concert. He told me he was falling for me, and wanted to take our friendship to the next level.  His affection and attention were intoxicating, and I deluded myself with thinking that he really cared about me.  I was sure that our romance would be different.  I ignored all the inner (and outer) warnings.  My close friends were concerned, and tried to warn me that I was headed for a heartbreak.

The night of the concert was another magical evening with Lou.  The concert was in a neighboring state and ended late.  Instead of driving home, he suggested we stay at a hotel and drive home in the morning.  Despite the alarms going off in my head, I agreed.  That's all I will say about that.

The next morning we left the hotel and began the two hour drive home.  I sensed a shift in his personality, a coldness.  He quickly began to distance himself emotionally from me, and I saw a most unpleasant side of his personality that I had never seen before.  It was as if he was finally free to be who he really was, and it was quite ugly. It was as if my prince was showing me he really had a toad's heart.  I was shocked, but more than that, I was ashamed of myself.  I had dramatically lowered my standards and allowed myself to believe the lies.  I knew better!  I had seen this dude in action!  I felt as if I had no one but myself to blame.  He dropped me off at my apartment, and I did not hear from him again for weeks.

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

When he did call, he asked me to meet him for dinner.  His charming facade was back, but I was no longer under his spell.  He told me he really cared for me, but he was still in pain over the loss of his prior relationship, and therefore not ready to begin a new one with me.  I had already determined that I would never open my heart to this creep again.  I played along, and told him I completely understood.  I was seething with anger, but I never let it show.  I could tell he was confused by my response, and even tried to act as if he was conflicted over his decision.  He made several attempts at physical affection, but I was not having it.  I told him that would not be fair to either one of us.  It was as if the blinders were off, and I could see him clearly.  I think he wanted me to react differently, and didn't know how to handle it when I didn't.  I had allowed myself to care, to love, and I was now heartbroken.  I was also ashamed and embarrassed that I had so freely lowered my standards and abandoned my beliefs for this guy.  It took time to heal from those wounds.   Our daughters were still friends, so there were sleepovers, concerts, etc.  But after we moved away, the girls lost touch, and so did we.

Now to the reason I am posting this:

I saw him two days ago at the grocery store.  I was shocked to see how dramatically he had changed.  He is not the same attractive, handsome, charming guy.  He has a grizzled appearance.  There are bags and dark circles under his eyes, and he has a haunted, hollow look in his eyes.  I don't know if I would have recognized him.  It wasn't until he spoke that I realized who he was.  I said hello, and kept walking.  The past fourteen years have not been kind to him.  What happened?  It's as if his outer self has caught up with what was already inside.  The transformation from prince to toad is now complete.

I have thought of this encounter often over the past couple of days.  I still love Garth Brooks' music, and the song "Unanswered Prayers" is appropriate for this situation.  At the time, I thought that Lou was the perfect guy, ideal for me.  Wow.  Thank You, Lord.  You always know what You are doing.

The title "Unanswered Prayers" is not entirely correct.  God always answers prayers.  Sometimes He says no.  I love it when God shows me why He answers "NO".   Thanks again for Your perfect will, and for giving me the gift of perspective.

Perspective

(I began this entry in November 2009, and never published it until now.  Just writing it was therapeutic.  Much has changed since this was written.  It's still an incomplete entry, but for me an interesting snapshot from that difficult time.)

This is not a review of a book titled perspective.  This is about perspective itself.  I am going to write what is in my heart and not worry about what grammatical errors I am making. 

This year has been one of the best and worst years of my life.  Best, without a doubt, because I still have my Lauren girl.  God in His infinite mercy spared her life.  That outshines any of the bad.  The hours, days, weeks of pain and uncertainty were so worth it to have her here.  Instead of mourning her loss, I can celebrate the gift of her life. 

Then, what at the time was the worst a couple of months ago, Lauren made the decision to stay with my parents while she is healing.  This decision sent me reeling, dashed my tentative hopes at further reconciliation.   For reasons I will never understand, my parents have chosen to view me in an unfavorable light, and speak the most horrible things of me to anyone who will listen.  I am the oldest of three children.  One brother is a prescription drug addict and robs my parents blind, and the other committed suicide in 1996.  I thought, that they might appreciate me a bit more, being the only one with a semi-clear head on my shoulders.  Boy was I wrong.  My parents, or should I say my mom have always been critical of my choices in life, my weight, my parenting skills, you name it.  My mom talks trash about me, but is nice to my face.  My father, who I love and adore, nitpicks and complains about me to my face.  At least he is consistent.

This is nothing new, I guess I have just learned to live with it all these years.  I have always been passive, taking what others dish out, rarely standing up for myself.  I had never stood up to my parents until this past year.  One of my biggest regrets in life is not standing up when Lauren was younger.  I allowed my parents to overrule my authority as Lauren's mother.  As a result, when she was a teenager, making bad choices, I was not her final authority.  She could run to them, and they would support her, in more ways than one.  When she was caught with drugs at school, my husband and I went through the legal pains, faced the judge.  We grounded her and tried to get her help.  They bought her a new car.  They tell everyone that they singlehandedly raised her.  That is a lie.  If they did anything, they singlehandedly sabotaged her upbringing.  And I passively stood by and let it happen.  I felt it would be disrespectful as their daughter, and part of me believed their lies.  As the years have passed, my parents have grown more bitter and cold toward me.

I found myself in a deep, dark pit when Lauren announced that she would be living in my parents' house while she is in limbo.  I was angry at Lauren, angry at my parents, and angry with God.  I was REALLY angry with God.  I thought that Lauren's accident and recovery was God's way of redeeming this whole situation.  By now Lauren is a single mom of two young girls, and has made mistakes and bad decisions of her own.  As her mom, I have prayed for her, loved her as imperfectly as I can, and hoped for the best.

When she chose to live with them rather than me, I felt that rejection all over again.  I wanted to give up.  The fight was knocked out of me.  Because of the severity of Lauren's injuries, I was advised to seek legal guardianship over Lauren's estate.  This was to protect Lauren.  I found that I was ridiculed by my mother for trying to do the right thing!  I also had to stand up for Lauren while she was in a coma and deny my brother and his family visitation.  I had very good reasons for not allowing them to be near Lauren.  She was burned on over 40% of her body and had open wounds.  Those of us who were allowed in the room had to follow strict guidelines that included wearing gloves, gowns, and sometimes masks.  Her hospital room was no place for someone that has a parasitic infestation.  Enough said. 

Instead of understanding, I received more criticism.  My mother was furious, and accused me of being controlling and manipulative, and tried to get me to back down.  Not this time.  I couldn't believe that she would place my brother's feelings ahead of Lauren's welfare. 

Anyway, back to the pit.  I visualized my parents standing over that pit, dancing around like a boxer that has scored a knockout over his opponent.  I had fallen, and didn't know how to get up OR out.

Offworld by Robin Parrish

Offworld

written by Robin Parrish

Published by Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group

ISBN:  978-0-7642-0606-1

This will be the least professional of all my reviews.  I borrowed this book from the library.  I was skeptical at first, as I am not a science fiction fan.  BUT, I found that I could not put this book down until I had read the last page.

I found the beginning of this review in my unpublished drafts. I have slept many nights and read many other books since finishing Offworld.  All I can tell you now is that I thoroughly enjoyed this book, that it was in my top ten of 2010.  The book follows a group of astronauts returning from a space mission to earth, only to find that home is not the same.  Where is everybody?  What happened?  Their new mission:  survival while searching for the answers.